FEAR, DEATH & LOVE

I walked further and further away into the countryside over smooth and rough terrain. The brisk exercise gave me a sense of accomplishment and also provided me with a constant challenge not to stop.

As I regulated my pace and my breathing, my mind gradually floated further and further away…

I perfectly manoeuvred through paths and fields and groves of trees, without really noticing where I was, or where I was heading. It was like being on autopilot, oblivious of my surroundings, as my thoughts flitted from one dimension to another, in total randomness.

The elements around me gently caressed my senses. Cool air flowed around my face, the rhythmic tap of my feet on the ground formed imaginary tunes in my head, so many fragrances and scents regaling my nose, as I progressed in a trance like state, seemingly elevated, removed from the physical reality around me.

It was hard to tell how long this really lasted, but then suddenly something unknown snapped me back rudely to my senses. It must have been the defence mechanism in my mind, which automatically sensed some form of danger.

We are all wired up to instinctively be wary of the dark. The dark means peril and the unknown and I suddenly realized that the sun had long set and that only a weak glow of light still lingered on in one small corner of the sky.

Our night vision is very limited and as we rely so much on our visual sense, we are not properly geared up for a dark environment.

As we slowly venture into sombre places, we feel our mind automatically heightening its defences. We are suddenly on guard, we are wary and hypersensitive to all stimuli around us.

Every shadow, every movement, every sound and smell, even the slightest differences in the air’s movements and temperature are suddenly obvious, matters which are usually fully ignored.

Instantly I was thrown into a state of alert. I looked around me desperately trying to get my bearings. There was a high clump of trees directly in front of me and large open spaces on both sides. Behind me was a low lying hill which concealed anything beyond and from where I might have come.

I was alarmed and confused. I was totally disorientated and had no idea where I was. And my heart sank even further with the harsh and terrifying realization that there was no way I could get out of here in the dark.

My heart started racing. I ran around desperately in circles not knowing where to go. I searched in vain for a solution, for some comfort in my fear.

Then I decided to continue walking. Walking further away. Purposely losing myself into the wilderness beyond. I did not reject my fears but I embraced them. I opened myself up to them totally, letting them permeate my inner soul.

Come fear, come to me. Enter into my heart. I want you inside me, I accept you as part of me. You are I and I am fear. We are one and the same. I welcome you within my heart. I want you deep inside me.

And I walked. Deep into the darkness, into the darkened woods, into the great unknown. Bt now I was fear and I was darkness. I was shadow and I shone the unknown. I was one with my shadowy surroundings, one with the unseen. I moved with stealth and with purpose. I walked into danger, into death and beyond. But I surmounted every obstacle, I overcame even death. For I was not afraid. I conquered the most evil and the vile. For I was invincible…

It was soft and warm and pleasant to the touch. I gently rubbed my arms and legs and back against the soft silky fabric. My eyes very slightly opened. I could see the warm golden rays of light streaming in from the window. As I took a deep breath I could smell the strong morning body odour of my loved one lying sleeping right beside me. Resting, in perfect peace, slightly bent in a protective foetal position. I turned towards my partner’s warm body and placed my face up close to feel the warmth, the smell, that gorgeous heavenly smell which no one on earth could ever imitate. I love you, I adore you – I thought as I moved up close and rubbed my entire body against that body that I so much loved and desired.

My love had made me strong. It showed me the way forward. It showed me the way to be. I could not harm or be harmed.

I remembered my wondrous dreams of countryside, fields, rolling hills, blackened horizons, scary woods and terrifying paths, which I had also tamed.

For my love and my resolve were unconquerable. For I was invincible.