One is a fucking good artist and the other is a hopeless romantic, or was it the other way round, a hopeless artist and a fucking good romantic… I’m not quite sure now with all the wine I drank – upon their own seductive suggestions!

But following a bit of light and pointless banter, they both threw at me what they thought might be an enormous challenge. The artist I imagine, because she is used to having her works commissioned, so she rightly assumed that I too can write on demand. The romantic because she was curled up at home, entirely on her own, and desperately trying to find my mobile number which had totally escaped her mind.

So Krista and Romina simply dared me blatantly and unashamedly to write about filth and smut, which I am very pleased to transform into much more palatable material, full of charm and wit and gentle smiles.

They dared me to touch such taboo topics as the gradual and sensual undressing of a geisha. Why good women end up doing bad things with wine. The irresistible charm of bad boys. Why Scots wear no underwear. The reason behind women liking it very hard. To write about the ideal boob to hip ration and finally how to masterfully tease the testis.

No short order, if you’d excuse the pun, you might be thinking. These two crazed women, just throwing the wildest of ideas that come to their impoverished and sex-starved minds. straight onto my bulbous ball pointed pen.

It is with extreme consternation and looming writing constipation that I will attempt to pull all these disjointed and somewhat perverse ideas together.

The very worse part of it all was that I was right in the middle of dinner, when they slapped me with this impossible dare. My gentle wife had prepared a stylish coq au vin for me, which I had only just started eating. However to be perfectly honest it was a bit on the tough side. We are unfortunately all so used to the extra tender, albeit tasteless water-injected chicken breasts, that hard cock is rather difficult to swallow. It is not something I am particularly fond of, although I hear that it has quite a following.

So I sat there at table, doing my best to eat a bit more. But it wasn’t an easy task at all. Luckily it was only my wife and myself at home tonight, so I was rather comfortable. I had just taken a shower and simply wrapped a towel around my luscious loins and sat there next to the open doors, enjoying the breeze which slowly but surely, surreptitiously reached my unsuspecting hanging testis. It gently found its way in and cheekily played with my inbuilt threesome, teasing and tantalizing in a terribly tangible sort of way.

And as I write this dubious detritus disgustingly disguised in distinguished discussion, I cannot but help think that most women are somehow attracted to bay boys like me who demonstrate delirious delusions but in such a delightfully descriptive way. But enough with the d’s already!

As my gorgeous wife disappointedly removed the virtually full plate of hard cock from in front of me, inciting a bit of envy from my side, how it can possibly remain so hard for such a long time, I look up at her fucking fantastic figure. She is really and truly a 36-26-36, as simple as that. Now this is about one of the very first naughty things I remember, when I was still a young, pimply, daily masturbating teenager, before alas it dwindled down to twice weekly, then to twice weakly. We even used to quote these vital statistics I remember – the famous 36-26-36. And yes! I am so frigging lucky to have this goddess of a wife who even at the mature age of 30 sports a bwoodie (that’s how she pronounces it !!) of a 50 year old! Oops wait, I think I got things mixed up there again tongue emoticon Can there ever be a better boob to hip ration on this side of the universe?

And in such a short piece I feel that my task is already done. Perhaps the only one missing link you might ask is what has the Scotch got to do with it. Well, haha as I write I hold in my hand a little glass, which in fact needs a bit more ice… So excuse me now, I’ll be off to do more important things, such as fish around for my next fun challenge.