Here’s another one in the series of short little true and amusing stories from my very distant past.

When I was in my very early twenties I had bought a small groundfloor maisonette, which was my first property, and right in the middle of stylish Birkirkara. Naturally I was still learning a lot about life and the wondrous creatures people can be.

Directly above me were a very Maltese, very Birkirakara, elderly couple. They seemingly fell in love with me, in a surrogate parents sort of way. At each occasion they saw me they showered me with compliments and pleasantries. So it was constantly a matter of how much they liked me, how they would always help me, how if I ever needed anything from them – absolutely anything, all I had to do was ask, etc. etc. etc. It was really all quite surreal, and as a young boy starting off in life I naturally believed it all to be genuine.

I often used to work until late at night, so I used to try and sleep in late in the morning. However they had the habit of waking up very early, as most elderly people do, and turn on the radio at full blast the moment they were up. To make matters much worse, it was Summer and all windows were open. Their radio was just next to a window leading onto a small yard where also I had my bedroom window wide open, just a few feet below. So if anything the yard amplified the noise and it was literally like having a blaring radio next to my ear.

I was rudely woken up after just a couple of hours sleep on two or three consecutive occasions. So naturally as these people loved me like their son, and only wanted what was good for me, and insisted so many times that I let them know if ever I needed anything, I decided to ask them this very big and important favour, which under the circumstances was very understandable.

So the next morning as soon as I jumped in shock and terror in my bed, some time before 6am, I put on a pair of shorts and went out into the yard and called them. They came to their window and I very politely and extremely civilly explained that I work nights and that their radio was extremely loud and that it would be infinitely kind of them if they could just lower it a tiny little bit.

There! I was pleased with myself for having handled this situation in such a friendly and gentlemanly manner. After all isn’t that what loving neighbours are for and amongst intelligent people communication is always the key to everything.

These thoughts lasted less than two seconds, as when my humble plea had sunk into their hairy ears, they just simply lost it and went plain starking mad. They started screaming, yelling, howling, barking, swearing, shouting obscenities at me, insulting me and much of my family, including relatives I didn’t even know existed. They made several gender based errors concerning genitalia, they banged and they swore and they huffed and they puffed and in the end all they did was spitefully turn the radio even louder, setting it totally on full blast just to make their point loud and clear. The few intelligible words I understood in the vicious tirade were something to the tune of ‘you little shit, you move in here and expect us to live the way that suits you when we have lived here so much longer’. There were also a couple of ‘ja kiesah tahseb li int xi haga ghax titkellem bl-inliz” (you arrogant sod thinking you’re something special just because you speak in English). Now I don’t know where that came from…

I was literally shaking. I didn’t know what hit me. I simply couldn’t understand how these kind and lovely people, who until a few minutes before were totally besotted by me, had suddenly snapped into terrifying monsters.

I walked back to bed, miserable, disenchanted, disappointed and deceived by humanity at large. But as I lay there in bed, listening to their force-fed blaring radio, another even stronger side of me slowly emerged. The determined, resolute, obstinate, unwavering, undaunted and unintimidated side of me.

So I smugly went to work that evening and rushed back home eagerly at around 2 am. I moved my rather large stereo right out into the yard and remember even placing the large speakers on their backs so as to face upwards. I cleverly choose a Led Zeppelin cassette specifically for their soft, harmonious style, and it wasn’t Stairway to Heaven either, but some of their much heavier stuff. I pressed that magic on switch and instantly proceeded to push up the volume onto maximum. The immense noise somehow shot gallons of adrenaline into my bloodstream, compelling me to scream at the very top of my voice crazed la la’s in a mock singalong with the wild music. The noise was truly deafening and this in turn made me madder and madder and more excited, to the extent that I even found it hard to stop.

When I finally started coming to my senses and was getting both exhausted and hoarse with all the screaming, I finally stopped and switched off the music. And I sat there in the perfect silence, my ears still ringing, waiting for something, anything, some form of reply or reaction from them. But no, nothing. Absolutely nothing. So I packed up my gear and went to sleep.

Now perhaps here the outcome is easily guessed. We never talked again from that day on, but they never ever turned their radio up loud again. It was always kept at an exceedingly low level.

I am not particularly proud of what I did. I would have by far preferred discussing the matter like civilised human beings, but unfortunately this doesn’t work with many people. Sadly you have to resort to such extreme measures to be heard. I am the gentlest of people and that is my normal state, however admittedly if provoked I take huge amounts of pleasure in beating down my adversaries. I never strike out gratuitously at anyone, it really isn’t my style. But if I know I am right, I will raise hell and high water to obtain justice.

Just another of my perfect traits I suppose!