Based mainly on Tyrone’s recommendation, and admittedly also a quick google shufti, we decided to give this freak show a go. This dubious establishment lies smack bang in what is known to be the largest red light district in the whole of Japan. Hmm pleasant! So we make our way through the many petite, deceivingly innocent looking whores, the not so petite mainly black American sounding pimps, who insist on approaching us even though we were so obviously a white-knuckled partner-grasping couple, avoid all the lewd, live and lustful clubs and do our best to blend into this debauched, depraved and decadent scene, until we finally arrive at the Robot Restaurant. In spite of its name today this is no longer a restaurant at all, but a small theatre of sorts, laid out in music hall fashion, with three rows of seats on two opposing sides and a small stage area in the middle. But wait, you don’t get inside before a long, intricate and most intriguing process, which although rather cumbersome, does admittedly add suspense to the whole event and as we later realised, also forms a clever part of the entire experience.

They run several shows per night and we booked for the 9:05pm feature. So we get there about 20 minutes early and although there is a massive facade all completely covered in zillions of lights, video screens, monitors, lasers, electronic broadcasters, flashing lights, sirens and loudspeakers, they somehow seem to have forgotten to include a door! Yes this is Tokyo and even a tiny hole-in-the-wall sweet shop would have at least a couple of million signs, neons and videocasters on the facade, let alone what has become one of the top nights out in town! So equally in Japanese fashion where everyone wants to help you, yes even the pimps here are kind and polite(!!!) a couple of strange characters suddenly crept out of the shadows and very politely indicated to us that we first have to go to the Booking Centre building across the road.

You don’t just walk into the Robot Restaurant like that now do you! So we crossed the road and walked into this glitzy facility with photos of the show, of many a celebrity who has visited and of most other things you can ever imagine. There was also a long counter with several staff members, but when we approached and told them that we had booked, they explained in their habitual barely comprehensible, broken English that if we booked for the 9:05 show then we had to turn up for the tickets at 9:10. After getting them to repeat and reconfirm this around 12 times, being of course the first time in our lives that we were asked to pick up tickets for a show not half an hour before but 5 minutes after the show begins, we shrugged our shoulders and walked away. After all this is Tokyo not the Manoel Theatre, so what the hell do you expect.

Rather than being accosted by Mike Tyson and Co. and their extremely weird husband and wife proposals for a good night out, we decided to stay put and wait it out. However within minutes and well before the indicated time, a hostess or something came up to us and explained the charges which were just above €50 each for entrance, and that we had to pre-purchase drinks coupons before we went in. So €125 later we were sent out, round a small dark alley on the side to a tiny, all but hidden entrance. However, before any creeping doubt may have set in, we were instantly put at ease along the way, by the dozens of polite and welcoming hostesses, strategically positioned ever 12.5 centimetres of the way, who all but offered to carry us on their tiny backs to ensure our total pleasure and comfort.

We walk in and are escorted to the flashest and fanciest lift we have ever seen and asked to proceed up to the waiting hall on level 3. So off we go and when the lift doors open we don’t know if we are hallucinating or if this is bling heaven itself. I will have to use every bit of my descriptive mastery to even attempt to explain what this hall looked like… Basically it was totally and entirely clad, walls, floors, ceiling, columns, nooks and crannies, absolutely everywhere, in lights, screens, colours, flashes, movement, sound, music, video clips and every other possible shock to the senses that could ever be crammed into one area to the power of one million! The wow factor, the glitz, glitter, bling, razzle-dazzle, flashy extravagance of this hall most definitely must be second to no other anywhere else on Earth, and I mean it. So we walked around in awe, consumed our couple of prepaid drinks and then listened to the talented robot-clad band which played excellent moody music. And this is the waiting room!!! In hindsight after having seen the show, and without in any way diminishing the massive entertainment factor of the show itself, I do sometimes wonder if this first taster actually matched or even outweighed the main feature itself…

By around 9:30 a small crowd had gathered in this spectacular area, the majority of which were Westerners, mainly Americans who could be spotted a mile away by their size, weighing in at around 6 Japs each and who could somehow still be heard above the very loud music. I am really not trying to be derogatory or to come to any form of conclusion, I am just stating what was simply true and very evident to all and what is not even necessarily a negative thing, but they were big, very big and they were loud, very loud. And all this came in crashingly explosive contrast to the locals, who are tiny and exceedingly humble and polite, but anyway, that is another story… So at 9:30 we are all asked to proceed down to the main hall, down a never-ending stairway. We all walked down floor after floor, not quite sure how many, but it must have been at least twelve hundred floors tongue emoticon However, very much in line with the rest of the establishment, the stairway itself was a masterpiece of pop art and bling and was equally entirely clad in images of girlies, cartoon characters, dragons, monsters, sexy ladies and well just pick absolutely any word out of the dictionary and I can guarantee you that it was there.

So we finally arrive down in the abyss which was anything but impressive. A medium sized hall with two huge screens on two opposing sides, beneath which were 3 rows of red seats and between which was the small show area. We are all finally seated, waited for the tiny min-skirted girls to run up and down the sides holding up their amusing badly translated information signs to patrons which included pee pee, mobile phone, drinks and several other instructions. The most important of these requirements was for the front row patrons to keep a constant look out for the many props throughout the show which would literally rip their head off unless they ducked and dodged to let them past, to which everyone laughed, until the show began!! Then boom, at around 9:45 the main lights go out, several whirling spots come on plus a couple of even more identical looking tiny Japanese miniskirt clad girlie mc’s frantically run around the stage announcing stuff and BANG the show finally begins.

To sum up the show, it was without the shade of a doubt the most absurd, hilarious, ludicrous, non-sensical, disjointed and outrageously incoherent collection of exceptionally bright lights, unexpected props, sudden movements, little girl dance trooping, fake acting, constantly transforming, loud music, I have ever witnessed in my long and varied life. It was an eclectic array of Asian pop culture, carnival like floats, kitsch decor, Westerised Asian cheerleader troop like dancers, huge animated monster figures, little Jappies sticking out of every hole in every float, soft furry cartoon character clad costumes, fake battles between the goodies and the badies, an abundance of flat-chested, microskirted, panties revealing, 12 year old looking, screeching and ever smiling little girlies who were virtually poured out of the floats did their amusing routine and were hoovered back into them – all in a marked and unexpectedly clever hi tech sort of way. WOW! It was about as amusing and entertaining as it was foolish and idiotic. It was infinitely childish and shallow yet so much fun and delight. It was obviously something which had to be simply taken at face value without the least bit of soul or reason searching. It was an awesome collection of props, lights, electronic mastery and human choreography which is simply meant to amuse by its very absurdity and enormous take on contemporary Asian pop culture. We were treated to robots of all shapes and sizes, to evil looking monsters, weird vehicles and spaceships, chariots, dragons, cows, tigers, pandas and the ubiquitous girlies, often all at the same time!

If you want to see something with a deeper sense of meaning then go to the opera or to a ballet. If you want to see something totally hilarious and ridiculous with the props to match – then go to Robot Restaurant. And to make one last comment regarding the price. Well this is Tokyo and considering that €120 will get you an average bird sized meal for two in a poky basement diner, then it is fairly good value. Frankly it would not be the sort of show you would want to return to see twice, but it is without a doubt one which you simply have to see once.