The portions were enormous. And although I didn’t seem to be in France, all the waiters spoke to me in French, just for that added effect. “Voilà Monsieur votre plateau de fruits de mer pour cinq personnes, juste pour vous” he exclaimed, as he placed in front of me the largest and most impressive selection of seafood I had ever seen. “Et voilà trois bouteilles de Pouilly Fuissé”, all of which I did eventually intend to drink, but preferred to have them all next to me just in case some other greedy gourmet snatched them up before me.

I was already salivating just looking at these sumptuous delights. So I grabbed a langoustine and put it into my mouth. But just as it is about to enter I suddenly feel a huge thug on my ear, which pulls my enitre head back. Hmm how strange, I thought. So I went for an oyster. I grab the shell and place it right next to my mouth. But as I go to pour the delicious contents into my mouth, exactly the same thing happens. By that time I was extremely puzzled and really needed a drink. So I reach out for the light gold chilled nectar and as I am about to take my first longing sip, I feel a third even stronger thug at my now painful ear.

“I caught you sleeping AGAIN Gain Ain In N” came the thundering voice “And even dreaming of carnal pleasures”. “Sorry Mr G but”. “And I told you NOT to call me that already”. So He swiftly tucked His cape in between His legs, ensuring that it doesn’t interfere with His frantic arm movements, did one of His bombastic abracadabra arm and body motions and annoyingly sucked out of my mind any sweet lingering thoughts of marvelous crustaceans and Southern Burgundy wines.

Oh the selfish… Oops! No I couldn’t think such things or He would immediately know. “I have warned you several times so now you shall be tested”. And off He goes doing His usual stunt, disappearing gradually from His legs upwards until only His big angry puffed up head lingered on for that additional split second, until it too disappeared with that tiny yet distinctive pop.

Hmm tested, I thought…. I wonder what He meant by that, I reflected as I started yet another pointless journey from nowhere through nowhere and leading to absolutely nowhere, which here is referred to as eternal bliss.

A little baby crawled along slowly on its belly, hopelessly looking up at me in search of a familiar maternal nipple. Since limbo went out of fashion these poor infants were just chucked here with the rest of us and left entirely to their own resources.

So a few eons later, by which time both my ears were long pulled off, on one of my many long and pointless floats, I glimpse a cloud ever so slightly higher that the rest. It instantly caught my attention in this otherwise largely flat and monotone non existence. Naturally even the smallest of features here was bound to instantly attract me.

I quickly put my imaginary mobile into my imaginary pocket and put my imaginary Facebook thread on hold, with a final post saying “wish He would get His Nuts caught up in that damn cape of His one of these days, but ttfn gtg my dear non existent friends”. You see he could never quite grasp the concept of Facebook and had no idea how to log in or access these thoughts. So at least I had discovered this little secret garden, where he could never barge in to annoy and impress. I had even created four imaginary FB groups. One devoted to my imaginary wining and dining adventures, another where I just rant on about heaven and hell and the third reserved only for a selected few whose mind is just as open as everyone else’s here is closed. Oh and the fourth which is truly imaginary in every sense.

So I get to this special cloud and suddenly, as soon as I as much as put my missing foot upon it, there appears the most sensual and seductive creature I have ever met in this cloudy realm.

She turned her gorgeous eyes towards me sensually flicking her long curly dark hair behind her back. I was instantly captivated by her intense attention. So different to all the other zombies up here. But what mostly hit me was that unlike everyone else she even had bodily features and truly remarkable ones at that. Her large and heavy breasts hung gracefully over her chest, her firm round buttocks proudly marked a perfect pair of legs and her precious female oyster stared at me straight in the face, without as much as a tug on my ear from a frustrated old Man.

I had finally found possibly the one and only advantage of being isolated here in heaven. That this delicious creature was parading around totally naked, wearing absolutely no clothes.

“Come to me” she hissed. But as I approached it all became more and more evident that this was the test that He had mentioned. I mean it was a bit obvious after all! I somehow rummaged up all my self restraint and managed to pull away. “I’ll be waiting here for you my love” she uttered languishly as I floated totally shell shocked away.

From that moment on she was constantly on my mind. I too acted like a lost soul, floating around aimlessly and ignoring all the others. But in spite of my identical behaviour to all of them, in my case the object of my total adoration was very different to theirs.

I yearned and I craved for her all the imaginary time. I didn’t only love her as that is commonplace and the only allowed feeling here. Everybody had to love everybody else. But in her case I had totally fallen in love – quite a different feeling altogether.

Until finally I couldn’t take it any longer. So I scrambled off past old ladies huddled up together murmuring prayers, young angelic men still virgins in their twenties and thirties, couples whose previous love and devotion towards each other had been totally highjacked and redirected by Someone who never has His fill, and various other nerds and losers who never really had a life at all.

I sped past them all, leaving them and their rosary beads swaying in the distance behind me. Until I finally see the only sight here which may truly be called heavenly.

She came alive when she saw me. “Come to me my love” she murmured, holding out a big juicy pineapple in her hand, while a long feathered fluffy boa slid slowly around her neck.

I knew exactly what was happening. His petty games and tricks were now only too obviously. But I was really longing for eternal salvation. Salvation from this pathetic, monotonous and megalomaniacal non-existence. My only one greatest wish was that I would be allowed to bite into that forbidden fruit and not pulled back by where my ears used to be.

So I lurched forward into my secret lovers arms. We embraced and we kissed and we caressed each other in wild abandon, making me feel for the very first time ever that I was truly in heaven.

And as we passionately kissed on and on our tongues blending into one, I start to notice the distinct tastes of beer and nicotine and even a hint of gherkin. I didn’t want this moment ever to end, but these tastes gradually got stronger and more intense.

As did the peppery smell of body odour, mixed with that of BBQ’ed food and mohitos and marihuana.

I also felt the temperature around me slowly rising and noticed that mind-numbing creamy glow all around being slowly transformed into lovely warm shades of orange and red.

I finally pulled away when I unmistakably heard people laughing. A sound I had not once heard, accompanied by some of Bob Marley’s best reggae, which all finally jolted me to my senses.

There standing in front of me was a big smiling Jamaican Rasta, wearing shades, cut-off jean shorts and a cool pink flowery shirt. He was holding an ice cold Corona beer in one hand, a huge spliff in the other and the biggest, most chillaxed friendly smile I couldn’t even have imagined.

He passed me the beer and the six inch joint and let out a relaxed and chilled and long drawn out “What’s up maaan”.