A Tribute to Frank Sinatra

Hey Ezekiel how’s it going? I loved Ezekiel to bits. He was probably my fav acquaintance since I came to Heaven. He glanced at me rather furtively, nodded gracefully and proceeded with his eternally pointless circular journey around Heaven. He is what we call here a compulsive mover, in a heavenly sort of way. He really cannot go anywhere or truly travel, but some people simply like to be constantly on the move and he was certainly one of them.

So I gingerly made my way down the central pathway, carefully threading tenderly on the tops of the fluffy clouds. It is after all, one of the very first things they teach you here, not to flatten the fluff, so to speak. Especially in the main pathways where many feet tend to thread. You’d think that there would be some divine intervention in such mundane matters but no, even here man is somewhat left to his resources it seems.

Then suddenly there came that resounding and inimitable voice. That uniquely recognizable and unmistakable powerfully resonating voice which said “ALEX Alex alex lex ex x” (long pause dripping in heart wrenching suspense) “Why are you in such a hurry, urry rry, ry, y?” I instantly stopped in my cloudy tracks, startled and even feeling just a little bit picked on. I hate it when He does that. And it wasn’t every day after all that God addressed you directly. After my initial and compulsory private hearing on my admission day, I believe that God had only spoken to me twice and on both occasions there seemed to be some sour connotation. And everyone knows that when He asks you a question it cannot really be good. You already know that He knows the answer to everything, so why ask unless He’s trying to corner you in one way or another. You certainly cannot use the word devious in His context, but you know exactly what I mean…

“Oh hi there” I replied in a rather intimidated way. “Well?” He bellowed in His own imposing way. “I’m only on my way to find some company. Nobody talks much around here as you know”. He continued “You seem rather edgy and impatient”. I meekly replied “Well since I’ve been here I’ve managed to meet my parents and so many others, but although they’re friendly and kind they all seem so distant and cold”. HRH : “That is because they lack nothing and they need nothing. Not even love or attention”. The tiny little ant : “Yes it has already been explained to me over and over again, but I still don’t really get it”. Snappy : “There’s nothing to get. You just have to get used to it that’s all”. And whooosh…. off He went and simply vanished, holding His cape with it’s massive “G” on its centre in His right hand, in the same unexpected way He appeared and in the way only He can do. I couldn’t help thinking how wrong we were back down there thinking that since this is His home He would be plainly visibly here all the time, rather than just making the odd guest appearance from time to time. But who’s complaining!!

My problem was one. I was bored and nothing else. We sit around all day praising God with not much else to do. I mean it’s not like back on earth where you eat and you drink and you even go out to work. Not one of those menial things exists here. They are meant to be beneath us and not even worth contemplating at all. But I still miss eating and drinking although I daren’t mention it to anyone. I try to understand this eternal bliss thing but have difficulties assigning all previous pleasures into the carnal diversions of unnecessary self-gratification they are considered to be here. After a couple of days I was craving for a steak and a glass of wine, now even a sandwich and a Heineken would do.

But such unholy thoughts cannot be accepted here and I was warned upon entry that it takes some longer than others to acclimatise. A holy jet lag of sorts which some who were very earthed like me take some time to adapt to. I was also clearly notified that any such thoughts must be kept quiet and suppressed, lest you know Who gets involved…. not a good idea!

An old bewhiskered great aunt floated by in the opposite direction. I waved at her as she bobbed along. She gave me one of those unsettling indefinable gazes which are so typical of this place. I couldn’t help chuckle to myself that not even heaven had managed to remove that nasty facial hair of hers and also that looks in general here were greatly overlooked and so underrated.

I finally got to the central puffy forum. Several small groups of similarly lucky people slowly bobbed up and down in eternal bliss on their cushiony white clouds. I picked a nice spot next to a couple of people I knew. One of my previous teachers who was something of a mentor for me in my formative years and an angelic cousin who perished, oops sorry, who found eternal bliss, at a very young age. As expected they barely acknowledged my presence and quickly turned their heavenly gaze back to everlasting and mindblowing infinity.

After several failed attempts to engage them into some form of conversation, I gave up, yet again trying to suppress my feelings of frustration. So I settled down and tried to slowly eliminate all mundane thoughts and to focus on Him and Him only. Yes Him and solely Him, entirely Him and nothing else but Him, him, im, m…

When I woke up there was nobody around. I wasn’t meant to sleep at all and virtually nobody else did this except for the newbies who had just arrived and who invariably still smelled of dust and ashes. I tried to get those funny nicknames going, calling all new blokes Dusty and all the gals Ashley, but alas it never caught on. Somehow nobody could see the humour in this except me.

But I simply couldn’t help it and although this was yet another of my attributes which was shunned upon by many, I still clock in my eight hours a day and even slip in a quick sly siesta in the weekends. Not that there are any weekends here haha, or even days for that matter. It is always and constantly that creamy white pastel coloured glow around, which admittedly can get so annoying at times. But I sometimes secretly decide to assign a random moment in time, which incidentally doesn’t exist either here, and label it as a weekend moment when I pour myself an imaginary gin and tonic and tuck into a nice lasagne or something in my own mind.

So as everyone seems to have vanished, well not literally of course, only he can do that, I assumed that there must be a gathering of sorts. So I set off in any random direction as here it really makes no difference, you think you’re heading out, but you somehow always end up in the same place wherever you go.

As I tend to get impatience and also rather excited whenever even the most insignificant of things happen here, I have to make a concerted effort to slow down. Everyone hates it when you leave those massive trails of torn clouds frothing up behind you, in a mad western cowboy sort of way.

So I restrained myself and hovered around aimlessly until I caught that low sounding hum which is so characteristic of gatherings here. Nobody really speaks that much, but when in relatively larger groups they seem to collectively let off a barely audible hum. It is probably their way of greeting and acknowledging someone, I’ve tried it too but unfortunately I always end up breaking out into a tune. Last time it was some vulgar weird black American rap thingie, which left everyone totally bemused.

So it all seemed to be coming from the pearly gates where there had gathered quite a crowd. Peter was there as always pontificating and showing off, waving his keys proudly above everyone else’s head, as if we weren’t already aware of his unique status of head bouncer.

So this could only mean one thing. Someone very important had just arrived. I tried looking over everyone’s shoulders to see the object of their momentary and transient interest. But no, how wrong I was. It was actually someone being sent back down. Although I had heard mention of this rare event, I hadn’t yet witnessed one first hand. Oh great, finally something different and slightly engaging, allowing for at least a few somethings, as seconds and minutes don’t exist, of not having to contemplate Him.

It was a rather wicked and very top heavy looking woman, who had insisted on her fourth breast enlargement and who’s operation had gone terribly wrong. So she had slipped further and further until she went through the proverbial tunnel and moved towards that enigmatic white light. That same light which very soon becomes so unbelievably boring that you consider black as being the new white.

But naturally when Peter saw her and her melon sized protrusions, he unequivocally waved her away in his normal temperamental way. But before doing so he liked to summon up a crowd, according to him to auger these poor and ensuing mixed up individuals well and a safe return. But personally I think that he secretly gets a kick out of playing a mini me version of God.

So off she goes, all a-wobbling, back down into the operating theatre, where the various nurses and medics bouncing desperately on her bouncy castles will soon revive her to the relief of all. And once she is out of hospital she will spread the word, as others have before her, of mysterious glowing white lights.

Oh well, at least something happened around here for a change, I smugly mused to myself. When suddenly there was a top level thunderbolt and lightening entrance scaring everyone out of their wits. Well not that they really have any wits left, but you know what I mean. I really hate it when He does this, I mean was this really necessary after all?

“WHYYYYY but WHYYYY do you all seek any activity beyond your eternal adoration of MOIIIII?”. Oh sigh, here we go again, I thought to myself, feeling slightly annoyed. “PETER Peter eter ter er r” He echoed for that added effect. “Send them AWAY!” And whooshhh away He went in His usual theatrical way. I had thought up of dozens of hilarious nicknames for Him but would be banished forever if I even dared suggest any of them.

But what I could never understand is why even He could never see through Peter and rather than admonish him for his little vanity exercises it was always the poor souls’ fault instead. No wonder they float around aimlessly like heavenly zombies doing their best not to exist at all. For me it was obvious that even here certain people were more equal than others.

So off they went in perfect silence staring down at where their feet used to be. Some formed little shame groups of sorts, while others wondered around on their own. I somehow bumped into this very large man whom I had never met before. I instantly said sorry, although to be honest due to his size it was me who was mainly rattled not him. But from him nothing, absolutely nothing. Not even a small sorry or word of excuse. Can you imagine that even here in Heaven there still exist these crass individuals suffering from road rage and more.

I happily retired to an imaginary corner, for corners neither do exist up here. Yes it was decidedly nap time for me and I’ll let the others continue in their endless idolization and worship, while I grab myself some shut eye. Although admittedly I haven’t even got eyelids which makes the darn thing that much more difficult.

Oh it’s so great being in Heaven! I still haven’t bumped into Frank Sinatra but I really can’t wait to ask him what that darn song of his was all about!