So our trip to Russia culminated in Maria’s “Big” (as in very round figure) birthday party, where she was happily surrounded by her parents and closest relatives and friends. Admittedly when we arrived I was a bit taken aback, as previously I had simply been informed that there will be a party and therefore obviously assumed that all was already arranged. However this was anything but the case and I was left to make all the arrangements starting from finding a venue, discussing menus, pricing, table setups and other matters with them, organising all the drinks separately – as is done here, birthday cake, entertainment, etc. etc. and all in a couple of days and obviously without having the faintest idea of how things are done here – not easy! But luckily, having owned a restaurant for several years, plus having professionally organised events for even longer, and probably more so being the intrepid and pragmatic bastard that I am, I just went for it along with Maria’s assistance of course, and between us we pulled it off magnificently.

Some guests drove for 3 hours here and 3 hours back just to be with us! Yes, 6 hours of driving for a birthday party… Normal stuff here it seems. All went very well and all was celebrated in lovely typical Russian style. As is customary here, we had carefully selected the four separate courses expected at a Russian banquet, ie. cold starters, then various types of salads, followed by hot mains with potatoes and vegetables and finally desserts. But then in even more typical Russian manner when we arrived virtually everything was already placed on the table, the lot! Even some of the desserts lol. I nearly shat myself and smelt a forthcoming disaster and was just about to go for the manager’s throat, which incidentally I would have loved to for any reason whatsoever, being a lovely graceful fine example of edible Russian fare herself… but that’s another story. But luckily Maria’s better judgement and infinitely greater patience and tolerance to most things in life stopped me in my tracks, as Maria pulled me back onto my chair and assured me that everything will be ok. And you know what, actually it was all very ok.

The food was excellent, the service was great, naturally everything was more than stone cold when it was finally eaten, but hey, when in Rome… and the champagne and white wine was virtually warm – again not only to be expected but actually preferred here! Yes but before you scream heresy don’t forgot that in most circumstances when in Malta the temperature is around 35C it is usually roughly the same here – just add a minus before the number that’s all!! So ice cold drinks aren’t exactly a priority here if you see what I mean.

Talking of priorities our first and foremost one here was naturally that the meal would be accompanied by flowing Russian ‘champagne’, red wine, white wine, cognac and of course vodka. Or rather that all this alcohol would be accompanied by some food… So we made sure that we would definitely not run out of anything. With group functions here, restaurants allow you to bring in your own booze, which works out to about a third of the price. So we were carting in boxes of everything which made even the Russian staff raise their eyebrows and reconfirm the exact number of guests, mistakenly thinking that we might have added another 25 to our list. You know, my Maltese side came in when we really seem we have to overcompensate for our otherwise tininess by providing unlimited and ridiculously over the top amounts of food and drink as if we were about to feed an entire army. In any case, after the party we spent the day after running trips between the restaurant and home returning all the extra booze, so now I am really a happy bunny as there is no way on Earth I can run out of the good stuff before I leave and believe me I’m trying…

So at the party, also as is done in such occasions here, every few minutes someone stands up, makes a clever, sober, deep and insightful speech and a toast. Many had even written intricate poems specifically for Maria and for this event, usually covering the more serious things in life such as family values, health and happiness. And as I occasionally caught the glance of the odd guest looking in my direction, I then imagined that they might be contemplating whether I would actually attempt at making a little speech myself. Although this, I was later told, was never the case and nobody ever expected me to say anything after all, not being Russian myself. However well, errr this is me we’re talking about, right? So as I have always been a true sucker for a challenge and as everyone knows I simply cannot ever keep my big mouth shut, after as much as a split second of hesitation I decided to really go for it. But to go for what I personally do best! You know that feeling of an initial moment of hesitation when you actually asked yourself whether you should follow suit and fit in and and then suddenly you say ‘oh feck it’ I’m just going to do my own thing, especially as I do it much much better.

So while they were doing their boring elegies I snapped into my best and slickest Western style satirical stand up comedy haha with a marked focus on the satirical word there! And I made several speeches (surprise!!) partly in my broken Russian and partly in my best eloquent drunken English, which Maria duly translated.

So I treated everyone present to a barrage of dark and dirty humour as only I know how to pull off. I mildly insulted the in-laws, revealed many an intimate secret of our marital sexual exploits, mocked their sacred motherland by touching sizzling subjects such as alcoholism, lack of hospitality and social skills, their apparent inability to smile at others when sober. In summary, about every subject you’re definitely not meant to mention as such a pleasant social occasion.

And with each successive speech I became more outspoken and audacious. However thankfully I also had the sense of adding a little moral ending to each and every one of them, aptly disguising my acid humour as some sort of clever message. So I would hope to imagine that they might have been thinking – ah stupid white man perhaps not so stupid, hahaha! And you know what, in spite of the odds everyone laughed at my jokes or at least pretended to, which is also fine with me. I got thunderous applause after each speech as well as several dance proposals once the whole affair had degenerated into a disco of sorts, so I must have been doing something right! Also something tells me that many there even admired me for doing my own thing in my own way. Although frankly I imagine that they all assumed that this is exactly the name of the game where I come from and that in my own world I was simply following normal procedure by being a dumb cunt in public and offending and hurling insults at everyone around me… And you know what, in short, who gives a fuck! It was our party and as always I did it my way and personally had a great time doing it, so that’s what really matters! And of course more so that my gorgeous wife before anyone else also loved it, which she did, and naturally her greatest weakness of loving me ensured that she too found my antics most entertaining!

Yet another point for possible – if admittedly dubious admiration, is the fact that in spite of me being surrounded by some 25 thirsty Russians, not only did I proudly hold my own from an alcoholic consumption point of view, but I was also undoubtedly amongst the very top drinkers there! And for all those who know the Russians well, you will truly appreciate the enormity of this task. But to top it all up, unlike all the other great abusers there, I was about the only one to talk semi coherently and walk relatively straight until the very end. So my many years of hard practice do come in handy once in a while you know.

Now considering that I was the first, and in all probability the very last, Maltese person all these people will ever meet in their entire lives, I will definitely be firmly considered by them all as being very much the most typical and average Maltese person on Earth. So I really hope that you fully approve of my behaviour and confirm my credentials as your worthy ambassador, cause in any case it’s a done deal now and a tad too late!