Category Archives: CREATIVE WRITING BLOG

This is my creative writing blog, which is aimed at providing fun, entertainment and also general knowledge to the reader.

Alex’s Rants features random pieces about anything under the sun, and also a bit more… It is as eclectic and diverse as it is extreme in it’s variance of styles.

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DAS BRANDENBURGER TOR

– inspired by William Turner‘s unfinished painting

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Still riddled with bullet holes that are patched with non matching cement. Testimony to the endurance and perseverance of art and culture, and more so of the tenacity of humanity at large, despite those who would destroy it. Symbol of man’s will to supersede imposed power.

The falling of the Iron Curtain, Perestroika, Glasnost, Arab Spring. Going back – the French Revolution and Joan of Arc, in between – the Holocaust, coming forward – Isis and Charlie Hebdo and the recent Paris attacks.

Dictators have come and gone, as did Hitler amongst many others. Hitler, who in many ways caused the division of Berlin, or at least whose actions eventually led to it.

There it still stands today. Das Brandenburger Tor. Wrecked in WW2, but restored after the war.

Strong. Symbolic. Strategic. Steeped in Significance.

Humankind can never be put down. In the face of repression we rebel. In periods of pain and suffering we strengthen. When stifled we only bounce back with bigger resolve.

The Berlin Wall which was once over 140 kilometres long, mostly destroyed in a sudden and unexpected wave of freedom. Brandenburg Gate however remained. Evoking mixed feelings of joy and sorrow, of victory and defeat.

The harsh reality of war and subjugation. Of political exploitation and the forced division of people. Friends, families, couples, parents and children, tragically destined to survive on different sides of a wall. Yes a simple wall!

The bullet holes will remain. As will the mismatched fillings. As if to kick off the healing process in a clumsy, unlikely, but effective way.

Time has since passed. Peoples have now reunited. For most it has now blended into the distant past. For others it is but another chapter in their unimportant history books.

The wounds have healed, perhaps clumsily and in a mismatched manner. The rich and arrogant West with the demanding and needy East. But such distinctions are now over. They are now truly one.

And in the same way the bullet holes blend into our collective conscience, as they become part of our daily lives and slowly sink into the mundane, we erect right there one of the most heartwarming symbols of fondness and affection.

A Christmas tree.

We choose to forget the pain and the suffering. Das Brandenburger Tor is now a historic structure, an architectural building, a tourist site. A place to be adorned with a pretty Christmas tree, now symbolising joy, rejoicing, festivity, family and friends.

It forms an integral part of our turbulent psyche, always in motion, always evolving, never still.

A works in progress like William Turner’s painting, which is far from finished and which hopefully never will.

WHAT’S UP DOC!

Happiness is most definitely the most important aspect of our lives. With it everything is good, without it nothing is.
 
So a little trick I taught myself in recent years, is to try to transform every experience and activity in my daily life into an enjoyable one. After all everything is subjective and today I tend to have fun even in the most unlikely situations.
 
I have a scream at court – people-watching and making mental notes for a funny writeup, I have a ball with my dentist – who has an equally warped sense of humour, and I had been long trying to find a doctor who would also provide me with welcomed entertainment.
 
Every day is precious and even one without joy and fun is truly wasted forever…
 
So after many years trying, I also managed to fix the GP matter much to my satisfaction. After a serious of nondescript ageing gentlemen over the years, who provided me with about as much amusement as a big rusty injection, I think I finally hit the jackpot. This came by chance in a relatively far-off little pharmacy where I had stopped to pick up some tablets and where I was suddenly feeling rather ill. Destiny dictated that the doc walked in right at that moment and realised my state, inviting me in to examine me…
 
This was many months ago and since then I have always returned to see this same medical practitioner whenever necessary, and even at times when not so necessary, in spite of the relative distance.
 
My doc comes in the form of an attractive, late thirties, bubbly woman, with a slightly sporty, tomboyish yet very feminine air about her. I must have seen her about four times now, culminating in my last visit only days ago.
 
I do admit to being a huge flirt, and my doc is anything but immune to this. I always refer to her and treat her as a woman, rather than a doctor, especially as I stare deep into her eyes. This never fails to evoke a special telltale glint in them in return, as if to beckon me inside, and not necessarily into her eyes only…
 
On a recent occasion she also insisted on fondling my balls and making me cough, although my ailment concerned back pains, which were at most imaginary on my part. However I must say that we both visibly equally enjoyed this little charade!
 
So on my last visit she asked me to remind her of my age, upon which she replied “oh that’s the very best age for a man, and you look so fit and young and with it”.
 
I must admit that I instantly developed a semi. In my typically false modest approach, I told her that on the contrary, I really needed to lose weight, to which she laughed and told me that to most standards, I could be considered anorexic by comparison, and that according to her I had the perfect build.
 
She said this as she was sitting directly in front of me, wearing a relatively short skirt, with her legs slightly open (it was definitely white!), in a rough and ready way, with her head slightly tilted forward, while looking up above her glasses with big searching eyes…
 
That was it! My dick shot up on guard to the max! Fucking amazing. So what do I do? Naturally I look down and point and tell her in a sad tone, there you go, you see what you’ve done now! To which she replies with an evil grin “Well we don’t have to check that one out do we. You certainly don’t have erectile problems”.
 
Now how fucking observant was that! I think I’m going to be sick often this Winter…

BUSINESS BLOGGING

SYNOPSIS IN POINT FORM

• Blogs are an efficient way of providing useful information
• The subject matter is usually related but not directed at your business’s function
• The main reasons are to direct traffic to your site, and to elevate your status to expert
• Readers can often be invisible, so check out your site stats for exact traffic
• In time you will be seen as an authority on the subject
• This will position you well ahead of your competitors
• There are several other reasons you may run a blog
• The most important aspect of all is the quality of your blog’s content
• The choice of writer is therefore paramount to success
• The better your writer the more engaged the audience and the longer the text which may be featured

FULL ARTICLE

Over recent years there has been a marked trend with many businesses to include a blogging feature in many of their online platforms.

This normally comes from an angle of providing resourceful and useful information to customers and non-customers alike.

In most cases a blog usually speaks about subjects related to your area of business, but certainly not necessarily about your business or its services themselves. The trick in fact, is often to purposely steer away form the obvious and rather than staging it as a simple continuation of the rest of your promotional material, to deal with topics and subjects which are firmly removed from your business itself.

Some examples would be say featuring a blog on lifestyle and design, when running a furniture and home interiors shop, or a blog on health and fitness when operating a gym. Similarly you might manage an antique shop and blog about history in general.

Provided that the subject matter of your blog will attract most of your clients, then do not be afraid to venture as far off as you wish. The trick is finding areas of common interest.

The two main reasons behind a blog are increasing traffic to your site or online platform, and establishing yourself as a recognised authority on the subject.

In the first case it is obvious that having a static site with the habitual home, about us, services, contacts, etc. will usually draw people in once, and never again. If you are regularly updating offers and news, or even if you wish to remind your customers simply that you exist, then you need to find ways of drawing them in more regularly. There might be other reasons you require traffic, such as in the case of advertising or collaborating with third parties.

In many blogs there is little or no interaction with readers. This however does not mean that it is not being read by many. It is therefore important to check out traffic properly through Google Analytics or other similar means. This will clearly indicate how many people are viewing the blog pages and also the time spent there. This will identify those who are truly reading through the text and those who are just quickly browsing through them. Furthermore, it would also be a good idea to occasionally ask your audience personally what they think of your blog, to receive more detailed feedback.

A blog can be a very effective means of driving constant traffic to your site.

If many come to your blog to learn new and interesting things, then in time they will come to consider you as an important resource of information in their lives. This will elevate your status from businessperson to teacher and instructor. It will transform your image from shopkeeper to expert in a particular field.

People will automatically associate you and your business to that line of work and whenever they require your types of products or services, you will instantly come to mind. Moreover, you will be much more trusted by them, which will evidently lead to greater sales.

Furthermore, the fact that you take the trouble to disseminate free information to all, is good for your image and will also increase your popularity with many.

A blog can be one astute way of positioning yourself well above your competitors and being seen as an authority on the subject.

There could be other reasons behind a blog. This could also be utilised as an advertorial to market both yourself and third party collaborators. It could also be cleverly used to influence people on specific topics and to shift ideas and create trends. Another interesting idea is to use it to reply to customer queries in a helpline sort of way, where replies to problems are expanded and developed into short articles.

However the blog’s main focus will remain firmly positioned on increasing traffic and improving perception.

Naturally the crux of the matter is very simply the content!

If you have poor and mediocre content, then your blog will be useless and also possibly counter-productive. If, on the other hand, you have engaging and captivating material, it will then sell itself and attract many.

So you must start off by sourcing a good writer. Although very clear guidelines are always advisable, do not suppress or limit your writers to the extent that they cannot express themselves fully and develop their styles and ideas.

Similarly, we all seem obsessed that nobody reads anymore, and that anything more than a couple of short paragraphs is too much. Yet full-length books still sell, as does Kindle, and both offline and online magazines, most of which still feature full-length articles…

I believe that the main difference today, is that there is infinitely more to choose from, so readers are much more selective.

An average writer will engage a reader for the first few sentences, a good writer might do this for a couple of hundred words. An excellent writer however, will have the audience wishing the article will never end, no matter how long it is.

So try and get yourself a very good writer and do not be afraid to go beyond the very basic and often useless short articles, which provide nothing of substance to their readers.

COURTING WITH STYLE

The security has probably become more thorough than the airport. Then you go straight to the monitors, desperately hoping that the judge or magistrate decided to come in to work. Yes yes I know you can also check online before you go, but you know, shit happens, and sometimes even at the last minute….

So the next stage is desperately searching down the list of cases in the stylish gold aluminium showcases, outside each hall, hoping that your case is listed. Stranger things have happened you know, and that’s an understatement.

But that of course is only the tip of the iceberg. You then hope your lawyer turns up, that the opposing party’s lawyer does too, that the ‘gods that be’ are in the mood of hearing your case and don’t simply wave you away before you are given the date for the next sitting, about ten years after you die.

And as the time you are given is just a very wild approximation, it is best to take along with you an enormous dose of patience and what better than to sit there and people-watch? This, at least, is about as good as it gets right here and very hard to beat anywhere else.

I also find Mater Dei Hospital quite fascinating in this department, but I’ll leave that for another day, when I am equally bored and sitting there alone, as I am doing here right now.

But really, what an unlikely mix of characters, if there ever was one.

Unlike Mater Dei, where the vast majority seem to have crawled out of the Pleistocene period, here you have a fantastic mix of extremes. So here goes…

Men wearing black everywhere. The more adventurous wearing dark grey. These are mainly the commercial you-owe-me-money-no-I-don’t cases, I presume. They walk around smartly holding on to that stiff upper lip, psychologically preparing themselves for their professional and serious persona on the stand.

Women wearing trouser suits in neutral colours, obviously the close equivalent to the business men above. When a woman wants to look like a person and not like a woman, then society dictates that she has to dress like a man.

Women horribly overdressed, with more layers of makeup then a homemade mega lasagne. Enough jewellery hanging off most parts of their body to open a small shop round the corner, in Santa Lucia Street. These are the women who have deemed it more strategic to be viewed as women, rather than as plain people.

Then there are the first timers, who wander around like lost souls and headless chickens, not knowing what to expect. They fumble around with their notes and their mobiles in nervous anticipation and pounce upon their lawyers as soon as they see them approaching from afar, their only perceived salvation.

Then there are the thugs. They borrowed their grandfather’s widest, shortest and most colourful tie, chucked it over a thick denim shirt, party hidden by an old anorak which they wore in guise of a jacket, all above dirty jeans and sneakers. “It says jacket and tie doesn’t it!”, they seem to snarl at anyone who looks at them. “So fuck you that’s exactly what I’m wearing!” – you can virtually hear then say.

The old ladies who just simply have to sit right next to you, soon turning you totally suicidal. They simply insist on relating what a bastard their neighbour is for having touched their garden wall and that they even suspect he might have stolen a lemon, which was only partially hanging over his garden. So technically they should have shared it between them. And although the case has been going on for the last 35 years, it was still worth the time and hassle to see justice being dealt one fine day in the distant future.

Grown men wearing black flowing dresses proudly hovering around like divas feeling important. Many also have the heavy rimmed specs, barely holding onto the tip of their nose, just for added effect, as they seem to play a game of tag, highfiving dozens of people they obviously know as they walk determinedly through the corridor. Important people know many people you know.

Then there are what is possibly the scariest form of human being alive today. Young female lawyers! Brrrrrr. They are masters, no sorry, mistresses of power dressing, power walking, power glaring, power posing and power talking. They stride around with a marked air of untouchable arrogance, an invincible aura which screams out “I’m hot, I’m desirable, I’m in infinite demand, but I’m also smart, I’m indestructible and above all I’m also a lawyer, so try and ever make one single move against me and I’ll have you hanging upside down by the balls before they call your name three times.

Oops, speak of the devil, there you go it’s my turn, fingers crossed….

And here I am back out in 30 seconds flat. An hour and a half to get ready + one hour to drive to Valletta, well Floriana actually + 30 minutes to park and walk in + one hour and 15 minutes waiting on the bench, then of course 15 minutes walk + an hour to drive back = 5 hours, and all for 30 seconds.

“Case number 25.35 billion. X versus Y. Lawyer A? Present. Lawyer B? Present. Any representatives of parties here? Yes but only one idiot wasted 5 hours of his life to come here. Ok just stand there and shut up idiot! Lawyer A you had to present an affidavit? Yes here it is. And yours Lawyer B? I didn’t bring it with me today. Ok present it during next sitting, errrr emmm end of May ok? (Like we have an effing choice!) Now get the f out of here! Oh thank you your majesty, thank you.”

Oh how I look forward to Mater Dei…

DON’T BE A TERRORIST

It has been a traumatic time for us all. France under attack, Lebanon, Mali and now a distinct feeling of impending doom in Belgium. All eating away at our psyche, eroding our morale and putting us down.

We desperately try to find reason and solace, each in our own way. And inevitably we all come to our own personal conclusions, which vary greatly according to our own subjective judgement and sensitivities.

There is hopefully one main thing we all agree upon however. That tolerance and freedom must be resected and that imposing our beliefs on others is a ghastly and terribly undesirable thing. We all have every right to our own convictions and no amount of terror will ever change that.

Good, so hopefully we agree upon that!

But why then do we all squabble and fight and argue between ourselves simply because we take a different stance and arrive at a varying conclusion. Although our actions are infinitely benign in comparison, we still act like mini terrorists with each other simply over diverging opinions.

So many have battled away with their so called friends on social media and elsewhere, so many have fought and cursed and insulted each other, simply because they have a different take on the situation. On Facebook many have fallen out, unfriended each other and even blocked their previous friends.

And why? Because in a terrorist way, they too are unable to accept different views to theirs.

I have friends who vary from totally racist, to moderately racist, to not racist, to fully liberated global citizens who don’t even believe we should have borders, like me. And you know what, I respect all of their opinions and think that they have every right to them and also to express them.

If they went out on daily killing sprees shooting anyone slightly on the dark side and closely resembling Arabs and Indians, which incidentally would include most of the Maltese, then it would be an entirely different issue. But as I do not discriminate by skin or by religion, I will not discriminate by opinion either.

I haven’t got one atom of racism in my body, however I accept friends who simply cannot stand the sight of an Arab and would want every single one of them deported, visa and residents permit or no visa and residents permit.

What are we to do next? Avail ourselves of a clipboard with a questionnaire before we accept anyone into our circles? Who do you vote for? Wrong party sorry – out! Religious? Oh no I can’t accept that – bye! Do you believe in ghosts? Oh yuck I can’t stand that! And every other opinion we may have must be matched by everyone else in our entourage, before we start to consider them?

I love diversity, I love variance and I hate monotony. I really and truly do not want everyone else to agree with me on everything. What a dull and boring world that would be.

Similarly with religion, although I have been an atheist for over 35 years, I fully respect everyone else’s opinions and have a lot of time for those who have chosen to retain their faith. This is why I do not subscribe to the current angry atheist movement who constantly disparage religion and religious people. For me they too are taking a very religious standpoint by crusading for their own atheistic beliefs. In my world why should I even want others to be atheist? Nobody will ever give me brownie points for ex-converting people anyway.

I fully understand why religion came about and why so many people still need religion in their lives, so who am I to deny them that option? Similarly I understand that racism is in many ways a natural protective reaction based on the fear of the unknown. Well in any case these are my own theories, but of course feel free to disagree.

Since when do we expect to inhabit a planet populated only by our own clones?

Accept and respect everyone else’s opinions in the same way that you want yours to be respected.

These are the main thoughts and reflections I have come away with from the terror of recent days. Let us not add more aggression and unnecessary grief. The whole battle is about the acceptance of others remember!

LA VILLE LUMIERE

N’ayez pas crainte, je ne vais pas parler des atrocités de la semaine dernière, mais tous simplement de la splendeur de cette ville unique et magnifique. Je pense que nous avons assez entendu de malheur et le simple fait de traiter des idées beaucoup plus agréable nous aidera à soulager la douleur.

I fell in love with Paris in 1986. My then ‘future-ex-wife-to-be’ and I, had hit it off and had decided to try it together. So when she asked me whether she should come and join me in Malta, or if I preferred going to live in Paris, I was at the airport before you could even say Dom Mintoff. Imagine even comparing 1980’s Malta to Paris! Even seeing them written in the same sentence seems rather odd. So upon my incredulous discovery that they even sold chocolate and toothpaste in Paris, one of my greatest and most rewarding life adventures began.

Incidentally the same odious comparison recurred in my life a decade and a half later, by supporting my second wife’s equally unlikely comparison between the far east of Russia and Malta. A form of reverse Karma of sorts. What I took from one I gave to the other…

It is extremely hard not to love Paris. I truly love everything about it and in spite of my rather extensive travels, I at least, cannot say that I enjoy any other city better.

There is that immense je ne sais quoi about it, a special feel, the extraordinary culture, the cafés and the restaurants, the boulevards, the bridges, the sites, the everything.

But most of us know Paris and can relate very easily to what I am talking about. It is rather the changing attitudes and our perception of it, which I would like to dwell on here.

The French have long suffered a lot of bias from other nations, particularly from the British. There are obviously many stereotypes and I am a firm believer that such cliches must always be based on some form of truth. However, what we believe to be common knowledge about the French is mostly British made conjecture, which is anything but shared by other nations. Being so familiar with British culture, many of us sometimes project this as being a general global perspective, which very often it isn’t.

The British have always had a love-hate relationship with France, which I have a feeling is at least partly based on envy. However there is some truth behind the many hackneyed ideas, or might I dare say that there used to be…

The French themselves have long admitted to being rather awkward in any situation which is not French. They are so immersed in their own endless culture and their own extensive network of 57 francophone countries around the world, that they can be rather clumsy when having to deal and communicate outside of their own realm. Even when travelling many prefer visiting one of the endless choice of French speaking countries, in the same way many English speaking people do with their own. Perhaps the other people who are even more submerged in their own imaginary universe and language, and who have great difficulties operating outside it, are the British themselves! As is so often the case, it is the most guilty who are pointing fingers at others.

The everlasting adage that the French refuse to speak to you in English is perhaps the most glaringly obvious example of this. Are we to imagine that the English are the world’s best linguists and that you can comfortably go to the UK and speak French, Spanish, Italian or German and have absolutely no problem as everyone there is pentalingual?

I can guarantee that the French do not reply to you in English for only two reasons. Either they simply cannot speak it, or in their typical French-locked mentality they are literally embarrassed to do so for lack of adeptness and over abundance of accent. As most Maltese are very familiar with Italians, we can very easily draw many parallels here with them too. The strange thing however is that we Maltese never even dreamt in the past to travel to Italy and expect them to speak to us in English, but for some ignorant reason when we used to travel to France we somehow did. And the same might be said when travelling to most other countries. Back in those days at least, did you expect people to speak to you in English when in Russia, Greece or Germany? Certainly not I am sure, but somehow based on the British bias many of us were exposed to, when travelling to France we incredibly did!

But things have changed incredibly in Paris and also in much of France. In fact I find it rather surreal how in the 30 years which have elapsed since my first visit there, the approach and mentality of Parisians has entirely been transformed.

I must admit that I did find them quite abrasive when I first went there. On many an occasion I was shunned, scorned at and mildly ignored, mainly due to my then very poor French and also my poor grasp of everything French. My only way forward then, was to become proficient both in language and in general knowledge, to an even greater extent than the average Frenchman, so as to gain their respect. Something I am very proud of having very amply achieved.

Today however, unless it is you who is travelling there with very heavy blinkers and totally stuck in your passé impressions of the French, you cannot but admit that they have greatly changed.

Based on our last visits to Paris, I can very safely say that the vast majority of them now speak pretty good English. They are also welcoming, friendly and smile, and are a far cry from what I had to endure there three decades ago.

They have made an enormous and conscious effort to globalise themselves and their thinking, without of course taking anything away from their own culture. This is something we Maltese should try to understand. That by pushing English and firmly setting our sights beyond our minuscule rock, it does not necessarily mean that we are ousting our own language and culture. One does not and should not preclude the other.

If anyone is still rather skeptical at how such massive change can occur in any country in a relatively short period of time, then here are two examples very close to home. Malta has changed in certain cases beyond recognition in these last 30 years. And to a certain extent so has England. I distinctly remember how terribly English it was in so many ways in those days. To give just one amusing example, if you walked into a pub and asked for a glass of wine you would probably have been lynched, not that they would have known what the hell you were talking about then. Today the British too have evolved enormously to a much more open and cosmopolitan people than they were in the 1980’s, and in virtually every respect.

What many Maltese people do not realise, is that the French are infinitely more like the Maltese than the British are. They are a Latin nation with a much more Southern soul and a large part of which are even Mediterranean people so similar to us.

When I was living in Paris, I always remember thinking how unfortunate life is as nothing is ever perfect. Such an extraordinary and beautiful place, sadly inhabited by sour and inhospitable individuals.

Now even this has changed totally and this amazing city has actually turned friendly to all. How’s that for astounding news to please any visitor there beyond all expectation. Nowhere is heaven on earth, but Paris comes close enough for me.

Paris je t’aime!

FROM BURMARRAD TO BEIRUT

As I live just outside Burmarrad, I often drive into the sprawling city centre for a loaf of bread. On such an occasion only this morning, I parked my car in a small side road in front of a small house, where a little, ogling and beady eyed man was visibly perturbed, as I took what he obviously considered to be his own private parking space, simply because it was located directly in front of his door.

I couldn’t help thinking how massively different we all are to each other.

Here we were, two men of roughly the same age and the same nationality, living within one kilometre of each other, yet apparently holding such unfathomably different views on life.

This man’s universe obviously extended only 3 metres outside his front door – just enough to park his car within it. And I am sure that that is exactly where it ended. I suppose that we all know this type, followed closely by those who still think that they have priority in their village, over those who came to live there from neighbouring towns. Then of course there is the North – South concept in Malta, similarly to so many other countries, and the people from Gozo who consider Gozo theirs and not of the Maltese.

So much parochialism incredibly still exists around us, and so many simply refuse to move on.

The next level up are the many Maltese who consider Malta to belong to them and to them only. Although technically with Schengen in place, it really belongs equally to all countries within this treaty, as all their nationals have the same rights of movement and residence as the Maltese do. This is closely followed by the rest of the EU citizens, who can still exercise their rights in Malta, which is really and truly now part of a larger territory made up of these 28 nations.

So what Mr. Burmarrad is forgetting is that a family may arrive not from across the fields opposite, as I did, but from say Stockholm, settle exactly next door to him and park their Saab right in front of his door every single day and have every right to do so.

But while so many remain firmly stuck in their provincial attitude, I personally go further that this, much further. From a very young age I have distinctly felt that I am a global citizen, or as it is beautifully termed in French, a citoyen du monde.

My direct ancestor Alexander the Great, travelled from his tiny Macedonia to invade enormous swathes of central and Southern Asia, because that was his ambition, spreading Greek culture and genes in the process.

The Romans occupied the known Western world and brought with them so much knowledge and advancement. As did after them the Arabs and the Moors who invaded almost half of Europe. It is said in scientific circles that the Mongols inhabited so much of the known world, that the majority of people living today, actually have some direct lineage from Genghis Khan himself.

Later on many European countries invaded much of the world, this time incorporating literally every continent. The British, the French and the Spanish alone, controlled most nations and territories around the globe at one time or another. And as all the others before them, they really did not do it with much finesse. They bulldozed their way ruthlessly, bearing bibles and crosses, inquisitions and long sleeves and trousers and everything European, eradicating anything which was not conducive to their habitual lore. Entire cultures were all but eradicated, such as the Aborigines and the Native American Indians, while others were totally and forever wiped off the face of the earth.

Some went in war and some went in peace. Millions of Italians, Greeks and Irish, just to mention a few obvious nationalities, left their countries bearing only hope of a better life, as they emigrated to countries like the USA, Canada and Australia.

Similarly the Maltese left by the shipload, first to North Africa at the beginning of the 20th century, ironically settling in places such as Alexandria, Benghazi, Tripoli, Tunis, Algiers and Oran, then mainly to the UK and to other English speaking countries after the war, and until very recent times.

People have always moved and travelled to better their conditions from time immemorial. We are all a big mixture of nations, of peoples and of origins. We really do not have to look very far to find a perfect example of such total integration. Our own country is a great melting pot made up principally of Phoenician – which is present day Lebanon close to Beirut, Turkish, North African, Italian, French, Spanish and British lineage.

Suffice to say that we speak a semitic language, we greatly resemble Arabs and Turks both physically and in so many other ways, however we now form part of Europe from a cultural and political point of view.

This natural process of human movement continues today, as it always has, mainly with people from Africa and the Middle East moving into Europe, and with people from Latin America moving North into the USA and Canada.

Nothing has changed and nothing is new. It has always been the poor and the wretched trying to upper their status and to improve their plight and unfortunately they have always been looked down upon by their richer host country.

The situation was the same for the illiterate, exclusively Maltese speaking immigrants in Australia and elsewhere, some of whom still struggle with English forty years later. In England for many decades the word Maltese was synonymous with low down thieving pimp, and for good reason. In many communities the Maltese were generally considered as second class citizens and poor immigrants for so many years. And as everyone on this planet tends to do, possibly especially Europeans, they take their customs and their newspapers and their pastizzi and their language with them. Yes we all do that, hence Chinatown and any-other-country-town and Little Italy and little this and the other!

However if we really consider this issue, nobody on earth has tried and succeeded in imposing their language and their customs on other nations more effectively than Europeans.

But even up to this day, the West, which we look at generally as the good guys, simply because we are part of it, still does not always travel in peace. It still continues to forcefully invade and take over, or in certain cases it tries and it fails, to occupy entire countries to the South and to the East. Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq instantly come to mind.

The West meddles in the affairs of most countries. It supports Israel and suppresses Palestine. It manipulates dictators and puppet governments, putting them into power and then toppling them. It supports and provides weapons to the factions and the terrorists of choice, who happen to be favoured at the moment. It makes all sorts of deals, often double-crossing both sides, as it secretly assists all of them, so as to retain a total position of force. It strives for power and oil and influence wherever it can, unlike Arab, Asian and African countries, which do not have the resources, or the clout, or the desire, or the ego, to do this to any Western nation.

In my eyes nobody owns the land, in the same way that nobody owns the sea and the air. We have not only a right but a duty to seek better conditions for ourselves and our families. In the same way defectors from the previous Eastern Block risked their lives to escape their lack of freedom, in the same way so many Maltese left their homeland simply out of ambition, people living unimaginable conditions of poverty, murder and rape should and must find a way of surviving. And in many cases the only way is to make the perilous journey to Europe.

My one biggest argument is this – I would do exactly the same!

We face today horrific incidents such as Paris and Beirut, byproducts of our meddling in other people’s affairs. It is extremely unlikely that Isis would ever have existed if the Americans had never invaded Iraq, in search of the mythical weapons of mass destruction which never even existed. The Muslims themselves are by far the biggest victims of terrorism and what the Parisians just went through would be a quiet day in parts of Syria and Iraq. And naturally I say this in infinite respect and compassion with my French brethren.

Yet in the face of so much horror and human suffering, we slam our doors and close our minds. We do not even let them park their car unless they live in our same road. Some obsess about the colour of their skin and others about their religion.

Human migration will never stop. We ourselves have sought to share and enjoy the riches of other nations by traveling there in hoards. We are proud that we went there with nothing and came back with a small fortune.

Now it is our turn to give a little bit back.

PRICE?

When I started working in the early 1980’s, we actually corresponded with clients by typing and mailing letters to each other. They usually went something like this.

Dear Sir (Madam didn’t even exist back then!)
Reference your correspondence dated 6th April, 1982 ref. AB0312FJX-05b
I am in receipt of your introductory information and am rather delighted to inform you that we are now considering to sojourn at your esteemed establishment in the Summer of 1985. While apologising profusely for the short notice, would you be kind enough to mail to us your rate card for 1985, a map of the vicinity, as well as photographs of your double rooms. We have enclosed an A4 self-addressed envelope for this purpose.
I remain, most respectfully, your interested client, and bid you every success in your acclaimed business endeavours,
Clarence Howard Hughes esq.

Then in came the fax. Oh yeah we all had so much fun and games with those good old faxes. At least we finally had instantaneous transmission of information, which did in many ways revolutionise communication. And it went something like this.

From : Alexander Bonello
To : Mr Joe Smith
Date : 6th April, 1988
Subject : Purchase of Apartment
No. of Pages : 245 (snigger)
Dear Mr Smith
Thank you for your interest in purchasing one of our seafront apartments. Please find attached all relevant information, site plans, internal layouts and estimates for finishings works.
Sending you my very warmest regards,
Alex
PS. Make sure that you have a couple of extra paper rolls handy. And oh, don’t forget to photocopy it all as it will soon mysteriously vanish and you will end up with what looks like a blank roll of very wide and silky toilet paper.

But then arrive our lovely dialup machines with their eerie brrriiiiippprrrrzzzeeezzzz alien sounds which lo and behold brought us emails. So correspondence evolved to something like this.

Good Morning
Would you kindly forward me more ample details regarding the position you have advertised on the Daily Maily.
Regards
Mike
PS. Don’t forget the attachment as you did last time!

Now emails too are gradually on the way out, and being replaced by Whatsapp, FB Messenger and the like. Today, after I sent out a few FB messages regarding my marketing and writing services, I genuinely received the following reply, also in the form of a FB PM from a new client who was interested in my services.

Price?

It was naturally this incident which instigated this piece.

We are no longer interested in niceties and useless talk, it’s all straight to the point and to the extreme. Well unless you are a governmental department, or some form of state or related authority. Then of course it’s back to the 1980’s and even further beyond!

I still receive many of these :

Email from the Buzejza Local Council – total population 4.5 (the .5 is probably the mayor).
Call for Quotations no. 2015BUTmOreLikE1915/yawnnnn
As part of the upgrading of the Buzejza Local Council, we are in the process of purchasing the following stationery items :
1 x plastic ruler
2 x blue biros
Interested parties are required to physically pick up our 48 page tender document against a fee of €100 and to submit their proposal, along with a full description of their professional experience in related works, birth certificates of all the company directors and their spouses, as well as a bank guarantee for €45,000, as assurance of the good working order of the material provided, and this by not later than the 6th April, 2016 at 08:42, when our offices close. Should a tendering party approach any of the Councillors on a personal level and offer any form of gain such as villas, cars and yachts, they will (not) be immediately disqualified…….

Some things simply never change.

IRONY, WHAT’S THAT?

Irony is one of those concepts many of us like to ponder and to define in our minds. Of course it differs from perhaps seemingly similar notions such as sarcasm and contradiction. Here is a perfect example of irony you may all consider as a perfectly defining example.

My last rant here entitled ‘Travelling My Way’ dealt with my own style of preparing and booking for a holiday. The main gist of my story was how I always make it a point of booking everything at the last minute, warding off any possible changes or cancelations which might occur if booking too early.

I boasted and revelled in my own perceived wisdom, how I got the entire holiday planned and reserved, flights, itinerary, sights, hotels, car hire, buses, etc., all within an hour and only three days before our departure. What an absolute effing genius I am! I thought I had it all worked out, holding on firmly until literary three days before, and finishing it all up with a proud rant on how to do it last minute, without the worry of having to change it.

Only the next morning when we woke up, my wife gets a terrifying phone call from her father, to return home to the far east of Russia urgently, as her mother had suddenly fallen into what was described as possibly a terminal coma!

I spent that day, the day after I planned and reserved everything, two days before we were meant to leave on holiday, and less than 12 hours after writing my awe-inspiring rant on how to do things properly in a fool-proof manner, cancelling every single arrangement I had just made only hours before.

I really daren’t say what conclusion I should come to. Should I have booked even later? Perhaps reserving it all via my mobile as I stop at traffic lights on the way to the airport? Do I go the other extreme and say that a sudden change can always happen no matter when you book, so might as well book early? Let us just say that I feel slightly less authoritative on the subject and a bit less qualified to pontificate on the best ways of doing things.

My only conclusion in this is one – this is what irony is made of!

TRAVELING MY WAY

I have traveled countless times in the past. Leisure, business, living abroad, visiting close family… Throughout my life I have had so many reasons to travel frequently, that the whole experience becomes incredibly repetitive. Suffice to say that for several consecutive years I was travelling every two months.

So the excitement gradually fades and becomes blasé, which eventually becomes annoying and bothersome, and you then look forward to staying put at home for a while, which starts to feel more like luxury rather than traveling.

So needless to say, the novelty has very long worn out. However now that I am not compelled to travel more than around three or four times a year, it tends to become a bit more enjoyable and less cumbersome.

Things have also changed so much over the years. You used to have to book your entire trip through a travel agent, by looking at endless brochures for flights, car hire and hotels, purchase guide books and maps, check for visas for so many places you travelled to, go to the bank to get your foreign exchange, and generally start planning a very long time in advance.

With today’s technology everything has changed. Although many people still prefer to book and plan every detail a long time in advance. Somehow, over the years, I have gone to the other extreme. When I lived an extremely hectic lifestyle, mainly due to many changing work commitments, I really couldn’t plan anything in advance. The few times I did, I ended up having to change everything over and over again.

And you know what, I found out that nothing really changes much when booking last minute. You still find flights and cars and hotels and everything else, in exactly the same way you do when booking ages beforehand. So why bother? And with today’s technology it is even easier to book everything at the last minute, allowing you to decide what you feel like doing very shortly before, rather than tying yourself down so long in advance, and then having to pay cancelation fees or chasing for refunds if something crops up.

The only small difference might be in the price of the flights. However, if you are not willing to book something like 6 months in advance, which for me would be sheer madness, whether you reserve your seats say 6 weeks or 6 days in advance the difference in price is not usually so much. Everything else tends to be the same and occasionally even cheaper, as hoteliers want to fill up rooms which have remained empty and car hire companies give out special offers on unrented cars. So all in all you end up with pretty much the same deal, while remaining free until the very end.

So we are first off to Pairs and then on to Ireland from there, before returning to Malta. I booked the flights just two weeks before, simply by doing it online and by using three airlines – Air Malta, Aer Lingus and Ryanair, for each respective leg. The flights inclusive of taxes came to € 280 per person in all, not bad at all considering that we booked so late.

Then in my typical fashion, I simply forgot about all other arrangements until now, which is three days before we leave. So I devoted literally no more than one hour and here is how I do it.

Starting from Paris, we don’t need a car as we will be in town and we don’t need a hotel as we are staying with friends. The first night we are staying pretty far out from Paris, so all I do is to Google “transport from Paris Charles de Gaulle to l’Isle Adam” which is where we spend the first two days. Up comes the info and yes there are trains and buses too and a quick look at the schedules shows a pretty frequent service for both means of transport.

So that’s that done and I move on immediately after less than five minutes. Who cares about the exact timings! We could arrive early, we could arrive late, there could be queues and we could wait for our luggage, or simply stop for a coffee or something stronger upon arrival, before heading on to our final destination. So it is totally pointless fretting about it all and planning which train or bus to take. We are not in one of those extreme adventure programmes where we will be abandoned in the Amazon jungle and have to desperately work our way out on our own. Au contraire, we will be in Paris with signage, information counters, people all around to ask and every other amenity and convenience imaginable. Similarly what on earth is the use to stay printing or memorising the way to the trains or the buses, when all this is so simple once you are on site.

How often have you planned every little detail, organised yourself to the T, with printouts and notes, which you then never even refer to, simply because all you have to do is follow signs and instructions.

So there are obvious means for us to get from the airport to our destination, and that is more than enough for me at this stage. The rest will sort itself out once we’re there.

And in a nutshell that’s all we needed for Paris. We can easily get around once we’re there. To get to the centre of Paris from l’Isle Adam is very easy, and I know that one by heart. And to get back to the airport we can figure out the time of the train or bus back once we are there.

Great, so now Ireland. First of all we need to rent a car. I searched under “car rental Dublin airport”. I ignore the several billion sites and go for the first. Yes the very first. As expected this is a site featuring all companies operating from the airport and listing them all together in price order. There are dozens and dozens of choices. As our daughter is currently in Dublin and will be joining us on our touring around, there are going to be three of us, plus two large luggage, driving around in this car for an entire week. Experience has taught me that better spend a little bit more and get a larger car than being cramped up and packed like sardines for a whole week.

So I scroll down the offers and notice that every so many cars featured, there is one listed as “Super Offer of the Week”. I quickly stop on a Ford Mondeo Diesel priced at € 127 for the entire week. That looks like a good offer to me. Book! Yes that’s all it took, around 2 minutes flat. Extra options? € 10 extra per day to cover access – thanks but no thanks. € 10 extra per day for GPS – thanks but no thanks. I can very easily do without both.

I always used to pay the extra waiver for the excess for nothing, until recently I decided not to and naturally we had an incident which burst two tyres, had to get towed, etc, etc. and admittedly in this one case I should have taken it. But that only happened once and it really didn’t make sense for me to have paid all that money every time for nothing before that.

As for GPS, I can truly do just as well with or without. I happen to have a gps implanted in my head and have a great sense of direction and orientation. I can honestly make do even without a map, simply by following the road signs. Technology is great and if the gps was included I would have obviously taken it, but between €70 for a gps or €1 for a map, I’ll choose the latter, thank you very much. We tend to forget basics, such as the excellent road signs which guide you just as well.

Our itinerary was next. Now this might sound rather crass and mindless, but believe me it works wonders. I had a vague idea in which direction I wanted to go, as I have obviously mentioned our forthcoming trip to Ireland to several people, and everyone tends to agree that we should head to the West coast. Also through a bit of general knowledge I have heard of the main sites by name, so I had an idea of what to look for.

So all I do is google “sites in Ireland” and up comes the slideshow type of pics you can scroll through horizontally. I recognise all the names. Ring of Kerry – check, Cliffs of Moher – check, Dingle Peninsula – check, Connemara – check, as well as a few others, and for each one I scroll down and click on the map to see exactly where it is located. Immediately I form an itinerary in my mind and very easily check distances. No need to check more than one single distance from one point to another throughout the whole itinerary, to get an overall idea how long driving times will be.

And literally within no more than perhaps 20 minutes I had figured it all out, with the places we had best spent the night throughout the week, so as to visit my selected locations. Dublin for the first two nights, then Cork, Killarney, Limerick and Galway and this still left us with an extra night to spare. I don’t want to book hotels except for Dublin, so as to be free to move around as fast or as slow as we feel like. There is no way on earth we will have problems finding accommodation in Ireland in November, so again it would be really senseless to prebook.

Now that we had a good idea of our itinerary, we were free to add or to remove any sites depending on what we feel like doing on the day and also on factors such as the weather. If we do have disastrous weather, then the last thing I want to do is to be forced to drive long distances in pelting rain just because we had a hotel booked.

Similarly, if we had planned to spend the night in a location which we do not find very attractive, then we just keep driving on. Or on the contrary, if we encounter a truly enchanting place, then we might decide to stay on for a couple of days. All we have to do is to check online once we arrive in town and see what hotels are available, and if the price is right, just book it there and then and turn up within the hour.

This for us is a true holiday, with no routine, no imposed schedules and total freedom to do as we please at the moment. We all seem to forget that you can learn much more what is truly worth seeing once you are at your destination, rather than on the monitor of your PC.

So the only one thing left to book was the hotel in Dublin. Straight onto bookings.com, I know it works, well so why waste time. Enter – Dublin – arrival and departure date – 2 nights – 1 double room. Up come all the hotels. We certainly don’t want a dump, but in this case it needn’t be the very best either. So I scroll down by price order until I start hitting the decent looking ones and stop in the beginning of the 4 stars which already look pretty opulent. I look at just two, the two that most caught my attention without being extravagantly expensive and scroll quickly through the pics. One seems to have slightly more attractive rooms, so next I check the exact location, which is also of great importance. It is very well positioned right in the centre of town, so “Book” it is.

€ 180 for the two of us for two nights including breakfast in a four star in the centre of Dublin looks about right to me, especially compared to all of the others. Just before I press the go button I give a split second glance at the Tripadvisor stars and they indicate nearly full marks. That’s good enough for me. I’m not going to go through everyone else’s boring personal experiences, that’s why there is the average indicated for each hotel.

And there you have it all within one hour. Crazy, you might think? No, definitely not, and let me tell you why. I have done it both ways, I have often in the past spent a lot of time resourcing and reading and studying each and every step I have described above. And then I have also often traveled in this manner. I can very confidently say that by checking over and over again in the past I never saved any money, or if I did it was because I lowered my standards. First impressions always seem best and in most cases you are hesitant, look around again and again, compare so many times, only to come back to your first decision.

As for the quality of our site seeing and visits, there are two things to keep in mind. Firstly this is our first time in Ireland and we obviously have to go to the ‘big names’, so it is pointless checking around for ages, as we still want to see the major sites. And once we are there we can ask around, get recommendations and read the info and the pamphlets, that is why they are there after all. Very often you plan so much beforehand, only to change everything to your mood and real liking once you are there.

But perhaps the biggest advantage, is that we can feel really free and spontaneous and decide on the spot in an impromptu way. That, for us at least, adds that little touch of magic, and from experience these have always been our best holidays so far.